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A couple nights later, I went to a dinner party on the Upper East Side.
I wore a slinky silk dress and intentionally went to the party alone, to force myself to mingle.
To make the situation worse, the doctor then took out a cock ring from his bedside table, which he informed me was necessary for him to stay hard.
I said it was very generous of him, and before I knew it, he was leading me into a nearby gay bar, where he suggested I “find a girl for a group sex,” despite the fact that 98 percent of the people in the bar were gay men.
It was when he attempted to grind with me to a Lana Del Rey techno remix that I finally made my escape.
But it wasn’t a true escape, because in the following days and then weeks, Tinder guy’s texts were incessant, despite my complete lack of response.
It was everything from, “Babe, how about that threesome? ” to the complete non sequitur “I was on TV this week.” Finally, he asked if the reason I wasn’t responding was because I was too dumb to understand simple English.
I ended up in a long conversation with an older, seemingly early-50s cardiologist.
He was wearing high-waisted khakis and had overgrown nose hairs, but he was really sweet, and was becoming funnier with every sip of punch I took.
This is also the phase when you begin the dreaded coital dance known as dating. But eventually, I matched with a handsome enough 30-something who was OK with skipping the small talk.
For me, this phase began with writing “living well is the best revenge” on a Post-it, sticking it to the wall beside my bed, then staring at it for twenty minutes before deciding to take a nap. But an hour later, walking into the specified bar in the West Village, I immediately understood why people take the time to screen each other via text.
If you don’t watch out, your legs will get blown off and you’ll end up begging for money on the L train.” That might be a bit overdramatic but I understand the sentiment.
Sometimes the idea of “getting out there” seems like torture, but you have to do it, because the alternative is a life of sitting home alone, eating bags of beef jerky while watching trying to will myself into the headspace of the film’s main character, who takes great pleasure in fucking strange men—something I, too, used to find sexy and exciting, before my ex-girlfriend tore out my heart and threw it in the trash along with my will to live and my problematically high sex drive.
When I recounted this story to my best friend over a PTSD brunch the next morning, she—ever the competitor—immediately informed me of the time she slept with an older guy who, after he came, had to put on a full-face oxygen mask “to keep him alive.” She never lets me win.Tags: Adult Dating, affair dating, sex dating