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Credit: Copyright © 2009 by David Henry Sterry and R. "Wow," I say in what I hope is a loverstudguy voice, but which I suspect smacks of eunuch, "that's great, excellent, thanks, I uh--" "David," Mr.

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Hartley sounds like a benevolent dictator in a three-piece suit, cheerful as the day is long, but a master alpha, "this is a very special job.

" I have no idea what he's talking about so I say: "Sure, absolutely, I got it--" "This is a unique opportunity for you, David.

She smiles, almost shyly-- demure, I guess might be the word. I love the way it feels inside my mouth-- like the most sophisticated Pop Rocks ever. Some fantastic wife, brilliant, crazy, zany friends, some big house with a pool and lots of rooms where people can party. But of course there’s that nag in the back of my head what is it going to be like when I have to perform?

So I say: "I want to wish you a very, very happy birthday, and if there's anything I can do to make your dreams come true, I'm here for your pleasure." I've rehearsed that speech. I hold up that long thin beautiful glass full of the sparkly bubbly. I love the way the champagne shoots tiny little tickling giddy meteors up onto my lip and nose. And they used to get all dressed up and talk about art and politics and life and death and war and taxes. Makes me hope that at some point I can have a life. This is such a great job so far, that’s what I’m thinking. I’m trying to imagine a way that I can get it up and get it off. Her monologue stops and she hems and haws and tuts a little.

And for this job, it's very important that you understand that the client will be celebrating her eighty-second birthday." GULP!

Seriously, though, you are being given as a birthday present to a wonderful, charming, sophisticated, mature woman." Mature. We believe that preparation is essential to success. Hartley's Uzi of a laugh rattles around in my skull. That's exactly why I thought of you when this job came in.

And remember, this is 1974 money, so that's like one thousand dollars now.

How much of your life are you willing to sell for two hundred dollars? "It's very important to us, David, that our people are comfortable performing the jobs we ask them to do.

I figure another chocolate-covered strawberry might impair my ability to perform. Something bizarre that old people do that I don’t know about? “I’ve always wanted someone to kiss me...” she motions with her head down towards her nether regions, “down there.” Is that it? Having a husband and not being able to ask him to do that? I’ve performed cunnilingus with every girlfriend I’ve ever had. The world, which was weighing so heavily on my shoulders, has been lifted.

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